Tuesday's Horriblescopes

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You'll have the urge to show your rising moons of Uranus to the house of your neighbors ... whatever that means.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You get fooled by some idiotic astrologer who tells you to send him money for a good fortune ... oh wait, I'm not suppose to say that yet!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You'll get a nice present from a secret admirer who likes to park near your house and watch you.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to go around "nudging" people.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You get the best parking spot today. Sadly, that's going to be your pinnacle of excitement for today.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Quit stalking those Geminis!!!

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
...still giggling at the word 'bra' .... hehehe

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
I'd like an 'N', Pat. Ok, I want to solve the word. Scorpion.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Someone will say, "Have a nice day" to you, but you still can't stop yourself from flipping them off.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day to just say 'fuck it'.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
.... this is the dawning of the age of aquarius the age of aquarius .... aquarius ....

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Can't do it by yourself. Seek psychiatric help.